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umm yeah. [03 Aug 2003|04:18pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

okay, yeah, i'm officially going back to blurty, since i've done sooo much with the layout/style over there and i absolutely love it. sorry jess, i know i've done this before lol, thanks for the code though! who knows? i might come back! just for now i'm leaving. back to speakergirl1229 for me lol. i have a funny chat with li i'm posting up there. so, if you want to keep up to date with me ... check out my blurty.


9 caught my eye!
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i rEALLY dON'T kNOW wHY aNYMORE ... [28 Jul 2003|12:33am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

::takes a deep sigh::

okay ... i have a sort of confession to make.

those who know me best, or who have at least listened to me the most in the time that i have known them, know that i'm not always the happy person i try to be in public. i cry. i grieve. i'm cold. i'm bitter. i'm ... depressed. but when i go places, such as out to eat, or concerts, or the mall, or out with my friends somewhere ... i hide all this. i pretend to be happy. and for a moment ... it works. or at least i think it does. then i get home and return to my hole or a computer room ... and sometimes i sit here and cry. i don't know why though. could it be loneliness, pain, sadness ... or the continued grief from losing the people dearest to me ... my gramma and pop. sure, i know that my pop has been gone a year and a half, and my grandmother for about four, five months now ... but it still hurts. it STILL hurts.

and then i think back to when they were still here, still living with me back at the apartments ... how turned around my life was. i was happy at home and miserable in school ... unlike what it is now ... and then i think about the day they moved to new york with my aunt and uncle. and how they were treated ... and it just goes terrible from there.

... then i try to think about my friends. you know, the four that i do have. and then those people who act like my friends. and then i think about how lonely i am ...

i haven't done that in a while ... really ... but ...

today was one of the days i focused on my loneliness and cried. today i relapsed.

today ... i did something i haven't done in years. something i probably never should have done. something i'm scared of. something i'm ashamed of ... but ... i must confess to those who care about me ... the few that are out there.

today ...

... i cut.

i didn't go for the usual places though ... the ankles, the wrists ... i cut about two inches up from it ... and i'm ... indescribable. i don't know ...

i didn't do it for fun, i didn't do it for pleasure ... i did it because ... well, i just did. i haven't in years ... and i mean, it's not the deepest ... or the biggest ... but the fact remains that it's there. and i know why, and you know why, but i don't know who else i can trust. i can't go up to my mom and be like "i cut my arm on purpose today!" ... she'll send me back to the shrink ... shithead. i feel like an ass when i go there.


i'm sorry. i truly am. i cut. i'm not trying to committ suicide or anything ... again ... but, i cut. i'm sorry.

this is my confession.

5 caught my eye!
catch me by surprise!

oN tHE rOAD aGAiN ... [27 Jul 2003|09:11pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

well, here's an update about stuff lol.

yesterday was troozies 16th birthday party. it was fun. i felt awkward at times ... but i don't think i've ever been to a party [even mine!] that i haven't felt awkward at. i stayed a lot later than i thought my mom was going to let me stay lol.

today was jeanie's baby shower. me, slowload, and my mom went up extra early to decorate and stuff but my brother had already done it! it wasn't a surprise shower so it was okay lol. she got a lot of neat stuff for little andrew ... i can't wait to be an aunt. me and my mom were joking around saying he's going to call me "ann juwie" or "a.j." for short lol.

ohh, and goodie for me, cuz i finally got the number on the sign in the dance kidz window as we drove by for the vocal lessons ... i've been wanting to get that number and look into it for the longest time but i haven't been able to get the number. i was thinking i could take vocal lessons instead of dance classes this year ... it would be something different. i want to call it tomorrow but i'll probably chicken out since i hate calling people lol. i hate ordering food on the phone, so i have people do it for me lol.

anyways, i miss liz[ard] and asherz lol. i haven't seen them since the 3rd i think. and my jenn [fargo] ... i need to call her, cuz we need to hang out sometime.

ohh and slowload says she met this kid at her friends house ... one of her friends friends ... and she said that she thought he was perfect for me, and that all her friends that know me thought so too. oh god i have to meet this kid =) ... she might see him on tues or weds i think and she said she'll get his number or screen name for me ... this is good news because i've been lonely for too long. wayy too long. it's starting to get depressing. i wonder what he looks like ... stupid me didn't even ask =P lol.

well i think that's all for now. if i need to write any more, i'll post again.

comment if you like ... i <3 comments lol.


PS - it's all Barry's fault. lol.

PPS - if you're wondering about the subject line ... yes, it is that stupid willie nelson song ... me and slowload heard it in the car today after saying how stupid it was ... and then laughing because in order to see the dixie chicks when we went, we had to sit through him as the opening act lol. XD it was tooooo funny to leave out.

catch me by surprise!

rANDOMNESS ... [23 Jul 2003|12:29am]
[ mood | lonely ]

random thought of the moment :

why do people say "it's always in the last place you look"? well DUH, why the hell would i still be looking for it if i already found it?! i'm not THAT stupid, thank you!


1 caught my eye!
catch me by surprise!

NoTHiN' HoTTeR THaN THe BoyS oF SuMMeR ... [22 Jul 2003|09:39pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

yeah, yeah ... i know, i haven't updated in a while ...

it's mainly because i haven't wanted to. i haven't had the urge to update. i really don't want to update about the family reunion / vacation in gatlinburg tennessee because there's really nothing good about it to update. i hated it to the absolute extent. i cried almost every night when i went to bed because i can't believe that those people i was in that cabin with are my family. from the moment we got there to the moment we left, my "aunt" jan and "uncle" joe were drunk ... my "aunt" joyce drank a lot too, and she ended up falling out of the hot tub ... my "aunt" sandy hardly paid any attention to me ... and my very own grandmother acted like i hardly existed. she didn't spend any time with us other than the first day, but even then, sandy was with her.

the only partial fun i had was when we went to the "dixie stampede" dinner and show ... and when i went mini-golfing with heather, chris, johnny, lauren, sandy, joe, jan, and joyce, but heather, chris, johnny, lauren, and i played a course ahead of the others. we went shopping a lot, there are a bunch of outlet malls down there, and we bought stuff for my nephew =) ... and my aunt judi [practically the only aunt i like] paid for me to get my ears pierced [3rd hole in the let ear, 4th in the right since i have my cartilage pierced too] ...

me, my mom & dad, johnny, lauren, and their two older kids [cody and kiersten ... kendra, the baby, stayed at the cabin] went to dollywood on thursday. it was pretty fun. we went on the water rapids ride first thing when we got there [well, after seeing the veggietales show that cody and kiersten wanted to see] and we were wet the rest of the day ... lauren, my mom, and my dad talked me onto "daredevil falls" ... a giant log floom, and i went on it ... chanting "oh god" every second of the way lol. i was so scared, but i wanted to do it again ...

anyway, i got home on saturday ... and i was sick from sunday to today. i don't know what it was, maybe the change in altitude ... because my parents, johnny and lauren, and my aunt judi all got sick too.

i dunno ...

but i came back to a warm welcome from liz ... and natalie ... and that's about it.

me and liz are going to AC Moore tomorrow for some reason she still hasn't told me ... maybe it's about our plan from before with the jerseys lol ...

slowload better call me ... gahh ... i need her answer for sunday and to tell her the news! ahh!! i remember our prediction from ticket day ... lol. wow, that was hilarious, i swear im psychic.

liz, "it's BARRY's fault!!!" lmfao.

well, i'm going to stop updating now ... i'm talking to nat and waiting for slowload to call .. grr slowload, call already lol.


ps.- nathan from big brother 4 is hunkalicious!!! wooo!!!

5 caught my eye!
catch me by surprise!

WooHoo! [11 Jul 2003|12:10am]
[ mood | anxious ]

i just wanted to let everyone know that i'm going on vacation until the 20th ... so i won't be updating or checking my mail. if you must email me ... try not to do it too often. i hate coming back and having 38562309564320560942 messages!! lol. like when i came home from florida. if you have my cell and want to get in touch, call it! if i dont answer, leave a message and i'll call you back! [dude, remember "the call" i got in florida and i didn't answer it?! lol]... i don't know why i'm so happy to be going to tennessee to be stuck in a cabin with my picture-taking-crazy grandmom and half the family i don't even frickin' know ... i guess i'm excited to see the family i do know! lol. but i'm sad to leave my dog with my brother for 9 days lol.

i'm going to miss you all [well, my friends anyway] ...

on another note ... i get jealous too easily. i'm feeling left out because one of my friends has these friends that have all these "connections" i guess and it's just really wierd ... i dunno. but i have my ashley! lol!

i'll write when i get back!!


2 caught my eye!
catch me by surprise!

beauty school dropout ... no graduation day for you ... [07 Jul 2003|11:25pm]
[ mood | angry ]

okay, i'm going to first off say how sorry i am for now updating for a while. now onto the fun stuff.

july 4th

i was over the neighbors most of the day and we cooked out and played yahtzee. it was fun, but it didn't get to be more fun until my brother came over. we went by my old house and shot off fireworks across the street from it in the park. we know how long it takes the cops to get there so we didn't have to worry. on the way there, johnny, [who is jeannie [my brother's fiancee]'s brother], and i were throwing those snap things at people from the car. not to hurt people, but to scare them. it was funny. while setting off the fireworks, johnny burnt his thumb and acted like a big baby [it wasn't that bad!] ... when we went back to my house we lit my morning glory sparklers [they were HUGE] and then went back inside. it was just basically fun.

july 5th

i think i just sat in my house and wrote my story for sarah lol. oh, and then me and my parents went to blockbuster and bought old dvds for like 15 bucks. we got drumline, catch me if you can, and two others but i don't remember what they are. i finished drawing and outlining my tinker bell painting for the basement. all i need to do is color it now. yay!

july 6th

it was my brother's birthday! he turned 26 ... and we went to gearos for dinner. i had the mega fries lol yummm ... it was something different for a change. we went to target before dinner and bought more dvd's. the reason for the dvd spree is we're leaving for vacation on friday and we bought a dvd player for the van. me and my mom bought grease and dirty dancing [my two favorite movies!!!!!] and my dad bought some sandra bullock movie.


i slept until about one ... got a shower and got dressed ... then when my mom came home, we sat around and then we went to ac moore. we've had a joke about having shirts for our family reunion, so we bought 3 kid size shirts and i decorated them for my cousin's kids [we had the joke with my cousin] just for a laugh. they look really neat. then me and my mom watched tv. we had pizza hut, watched fear factor, and then watched the for love or money finale. i'm pissed off that the girl he picked chose the money over him. he should have picked the other girl anyway. now the girl he picked and he chose the money, gets to do the same thing over again, but its 15 guys trying to get her, and they're given the same option. if they chose her over the money, they get 2 million bucks to share. is she greedy or what?! she agreed to do this! she gave up her million to get 2 million. i hope she gets nothing ... gold-digger. anyways ... i'm going to go write some more of my story that sarah loves so much lol.


catch me by surprise!

the answer girl, lies within yoour heart, please take a look inside ... [03 Jul 2003|06:05pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

anyone who has been talking to me knows i have been in a very aaron mood lately. i know this is a bit bland, being as there's not much color, but i like it. it's very relaxing. i'll write more later.


catch me by surprise!

bang your head baby, bang your head baby ... [02 Jul 2003|12:10am]
[ mood | patriotic lol ]

i sub-title this one : "has aaron carter turned red white and blue? ... DUH! Where have YOU been, under a ROCK?" lmfao

okay, i swore i wouldn't get all creative lol, but i made this new layout for my journal all by myself [icon included!] in microsoft paint roflmao.

nothing else to write about unfortunately. i need to get out of the house sometime this week!!!


3 caught my eye!
catch me by surprise!

Do you ReMeMBeR ? [01 Jul 2003|05:13pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

okay, okay, so here i am, bored as hell, and i decide to look at some of my concert pictures. i pull out my aaron carter's winter party pics and i'm looking at some of them and the memories flood back lol. bob waving to me! lol. then i see the pics of when we [me, slowload, jenn, then the other jen, and ashley, who are cathy's kids] were running after aaron's tour bus and he waved to us. ahh, magic. it was magic i swear. i remember walking back over to the fence to my mom and going "he waved to us! he waved to us! he blew me a kiss! i can die now!" lol. wow, i seem to say "i can die now" or "i can die happy now" after everything. it's pretty funny, i think. if i would have died then, i would have never met three of the most influential people in my life. i would have never had the best day ever on august 22nd of last year. i would have never met liz, who i shared the most amazing moment of my life with ... i would have never met aaron, the man of my dreams, the man i think about every day ... and i would have never met my stub sister, sarah, repetitively, without knowing her name, and i would have never found her on the internet in a chat room of all places.

if i would have died then, i would have never met stevie, chris, or greg ... i would have never gotten that close to nick carter as i was on feb 23rd ... i would never have realized what cool girls triple image are. i would have never had dinner with stevie, then met him two other times. i would have never met lydia, or jim, and mrs fuentes [triple image's mom] would have never remembered who i was from march 1st to the 30th. i would have never peeked under the kid's fair stage to see greg doing push ups and "adjusting his pants". i would have never met ashley and realized my love for barry. i would have never became chris' "speaker girl" ... and i would have never emailed kaila amariah and recieved a response.

i would have never gotten 6th row tickets to see aaron carter. i would have never gotten the chance to see chris and jump5 again. i would never have gotten the chance to see play. i would have never realized how much i love their songs. i would have never sat on greg raposo's lap *sigh* and i never would have seen how the trash cans in the king of prussia mall talk when you throw stuff away.

with all these things that i would have never done ... i'm glad i didn't do what i wanted to, when i wanted to. i'm glad i stuck through the hard times a few years ago, and made it through a stronger and better person. i'm glad i didn't let "those people" knock me down and out.

and for once i can safely say ... i am glad i am me.


1 caught my eye!
catch me by surprise!

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